How to Annoy Voldemort
by RedHal
Summary: Ron and Hermione are kidnapped and they decide to show Voldemort that Harry isn't the only thorn in his side. Major RXHer with a little HXG at the end.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I don't own Harry Potter

Summary: Three-part story that takes place during Deathly Hallows loosely based on another Fanfiction I read before but now can't find again.

Part I:

Ron and Hermione get themselves captured by The-Man-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live. After finding out that he plans to kill them in front of Harry, they decide to make life HELL for the "Dark Lord" with the hope that Harry will rescue them before their last two weeks are up.

**How to Annoy Voldemort Part I**

17 year old Ron Weasley WASN'T happy. He had an argument with his friends and left them. As soon as he left, he realized he had been acting like a git and had tried to go back only to be captured by Death Eaters.

Suddenly, the door opened and a cloaked someone was thrown in with him.

"OW!" the someone said in a familiar female voice.

"Hermione?" Ron asked.

"Ronald?" Hermione asked lifting up her head and knocking off the cloak.

"Where's Harry?" Ron asked desperately.

"He managed to get away." She sighed. "I practically had to threaten his manhood, but he got away."

"What do you mean?"

"I told him that if he didn't get out of the ambush, I would make sure that if he survived Voldemort, he would NEVER have kids with ANY woman." Hermione said before getting a VERY dangerous look in her eyes. "Now… about YOUR behavior…"

"Hermione. I'm so sorry." Ron told her. "Ever since I left, I've been trying to find you guys to apologize. I don't know what came over me. The locket was doing something to my head. Every time I took it off, everything was straight, but..."

"But…?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Ron said.

"Then I have nothing to say to you." She said crossing her arms and turning her back.

Ron sighed as he thought about the visions he had when wearing the locket. The visions of his best friend and his crush in love with each other.

"The locket was right." Ron sighed catching Hermione's ears as he went to the small window with bars on them. "You and Harry didn't need me. I didn't do anything but get in the way. I was always overshadowed. Harry by his fame and you by your brain. It's no wonder you two prefer each other."

"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione lectured. "that is the STUPIDEST thing I've EVER heard. In case you haven't noticed, Harry NEVER wanted his fame AND he prefers GINNY! You saw them kiss on his birthday…AFTER they broke up! He still has feelings for HER! HER! Not me! The only feelings Harry has for me are the equivalent as your feelings for Ginny! And vice versa!. Harry is the brother I never had! You mean more to Harry than ANY of his friends…including me! You were his first friend EVER!"

There was a moment of silence.

"If it's any consolation, Harry and I found the means to destroy the locket." She added

"But what about you?" Ron added.

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked before it clicked. Ron wasn't jealous because he was feeling out of the loop. He was jealous because he had feelings for her. "You're… you have feelings for me?"

She just barely saw the nod. So, she walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek.

"I have feelings for you too."

Suddenly, the door opened and the two were grabbed and taken out of the room.

0000

In Voldemort's 'throne room',

"Well, well." Voldemort said. "Potter's two best friends. Imagine my shock to find Potter still alive after our meeting last Christmas."

"What meeting?" Ron asked.

"Silence Blood traitor!" Malfoy exclaimed.

"Malfoy. Do not harm our…guests." Voldemort told his death eater. "No harm is to befall these two."

"Huh?" the two prisoners asked

"At least…not until Potter can witness." Voldemort said. "You two will remain here until the final battle in which you will be brought. When Potter can see you, THEN you will be killed. After all, Potter won't be able to think straight when he witnesses the deaths of his two closest friends."

"THAT'S your evil plan?" Ron asked causing Hermione to get an idea to see if Voldemort was serious.

"It's so simple!" she exclaimed. "Just like taking candy from a baby…however SOME of us might find that harder than others."

She looked pointedly at Voldemort.

"Hermione? What are you doing?" Ron asked.

"I've met chunks of CHEESE with more cunning plans." She continued.

"Take them away!" Voldemort said.

0000

"What was THAT back there?" Ron asked.

"I was testing him." Hermione said. "See if he could really withhold the urge to kill. I must admit, I'm impressed."

"Well, THAT'S over." Ron sighed as he plopped on the bed.

"Oh no." Hermione said with a smirk. "It's just beginning. I heard Voldemort say that he plans on having the final battle in two weeks. Plenty of time to gather all of his followers. Well, I'M going to give him two weeks of HELL."

"Why?" Ron asked.

"Well, we can look at it in two ways: One, Harry won't let us die. He'll rescue us. And if he doesn't, then we go to way number two: We're going to die anyways! Might as well make the most of what's left of our lives and continue it up to the last possible second and let everyone know what all we've been doing. That way, we die unafraid of Voldie-poo."

"I guess you do have a point." Ron said.

"But truthfully, let's assume Harry's going to rescue us." Hermione said

The next day (Monday),

"Why sir!" Hermione said sarcastically when she saw Voldemort. "You look positively menacing today. In fact, you deserve to be announced. Ron, drumroll."

Ron beated on the edge of the door.

"Bitches and Death Eaters!" Hermione announced. "May I Presents….THE MAN WHO LET THE BOY LIVE, TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE!"

She started clapping on her own as Ron threw torn up scraps of the parchment like confetti as the Dark Lord came in with a look that was a cross of fury and confusion.

"Marvolo?" Ron asked. "That sounds like a laundry detergent."

"Can we kill them now?" Bellatrix asked

"Not until Potter shows his face." Voldemort said before conjuring up a board. "Now, in two weeks, we'll head over to Hogwarts and then…"

Hermione raised her hand.

"What Mudblood?" Voldemort asked annoyed.

"You spelled Acromantula wrong." She corrected. "I mean, why on earth would you spell THAT wrong? It was the creature you blamed to be the monster in the chamber even though everyone knows now that it was your pet basilisk that was killed by a twelve year old boy."

"ANYWAYS!" Voldemort continued. "We'll go through the forest and kill the centaurs. Potter's already made an alliance with them through their new leader. So, we'll go to the Acromantulas…"

"It's your funeral." Ron said rolling his eyes.

"OUT!" Voldemort yelled.

"Now, now…" Hermione said wagging her finger at the Dark Lord. "Do you think Salazar would approve of that tone of voice."

However, they left.

"Oh that was good." Hermione laughed as Ron checked inside a closet.

"Hey, Mione." Ron said. "Check this out. They have masks for each day of the week."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked as she eyed some paint.

0000

Tuesday,

"What are you doing?" Ron asked.

"I'm making cookies for the meeting." Hermione said innocently as she opened the oven to reveal lightning bolt shaped cookies. "Now be a dear and help me sprinkle them."

She tossed him the container of red sprinkles.

"So…what's our suicide mission today?" He asked.

"I was thinking that we make puppets for a puppet show for the Death Eaters." Hermione said. She then pulled one out. "I was working on this all night."

It was a Marinette of Harry.

"Well, I was thinking of this for later on in the week." Ron said pulling out a piece of parchment.

"My Dearest Tom…" Hermione read aloud. "I can't hold it in much longer. The real reason why I betrayed the Potters…." She read the rest of the letter silently looking a tad green. "With all my love, Wormtail?"

Suddenly, the door opened and Hermione hid the puppet and the note as Voldemort walked in the room with Wormtail

"What is THIS?" he demanded

"I made you cookies." Hermione told him sweetly. "It was my grandmother's recipe, may she rest in peace."

"And the shape?" Wormtail asked.

"They HAVE to be lightning." She said. "It's what gives them their names: Thunder Cookies."

"Uh…Sir?" Ron asked waving a hand in front of his nose "Did you take a shower? If you did, you MUST tell me where you got that garlic-scented soap."

"GARLIC-scented?" Hermione repeated before tsking. "How will you EVER get the vampires on your side?"

"Simple." Voldemort said. "Offer the vampires the blood of my enemies."

"*Stupid!*" Hermione coughed.

"Sir? I have a few more questions." Ron asked innocently. "Why were you afraid of an old, frail man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight little babies?"

"And why would you want to harm a hair on that sweet, innocent, cute, little baby?" Hermione asked. "You know, I know this GREAT therapist in London."

"He doesn't NEED a therapist Hermione." Ron told her. "He's OBVIOUSLY mildly depressed and a bit of a control freak."

"Sir? Isn't the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?" Hermione asked.

"12 more days." Voldemort muttered trying to keep his temper as he left the room with Wormtail right behind him.

When he was gone, the prisoners started laughing.

"We're brilliant." Ron said.

"We make a great team."

0000

Wednesday,

"Sir." Hermione said. "We have a special treat for you."

"Oh?" Voldemort asked with a sigh. "And what might that mean THIS time?"

"A puppet show!" Ron said.

They got on their make-shift stage and rolled up the curtain to show a puppet of Ginny on the floor.

"Oh No! Ginny!" Ron said as he moved the Harry puppet across the stage.

"She won't wake." Hermione said in a Darth Vader like voice.

"Who are you?" Ron said. "And why won't she wake?"

A Darth Vader puppet came out.

"Luke, I am your father."

"I'm not Luke. I'm Harry Potter." Ron said.

"Huh?" Hermione said in a confused deep voice "Where's the script?"

Ron lifted up Ginny's puppet and the two good guys turned to each other as Hermione brought out the Voldemort puppet.

"Some kid of about twenty years old burned off my hair with a light sword." Hermione said in a different kind of deep voice. "Don't worry. I killed him for you."

"You killed my son!" Vader asked. "No wonder everyone hates you! How DARE you kill my baby boy!"

"Wow!" Ron said in a high pitched voice playing Ginny. "Voldemort ACTUALLY managed to kill a baby."

"Didn't you hear him?" Ron said in Harry's voice. "The boy was in his twenties."

"That's IT!" Hermione said in Voldemort's voice. "MY BELOVED PET BASILSK! I CALL UPON YOU!"

She then pulled out a basilisk puppet made from a green sock.

"I'm not scared of your stupid snake!" Ron said as Harry before hissing what Voldemort heard as being gibberish.

The snake then turned and lunged for Voldemort. Hermione gave him a girlish scream and hid him behind Darth Vader. The snake then ate the misfit.

"NOOO!" Hermione said pulling out a new puppet of Princess Lea. "Who's snake is that?"

"His." Ron said making his Harry puppet and Ginny puppet point to Voldemort.

The new puppet then pulled out a light saber and started whacking the puppet Voldemort as Harry chopped up the basilisk.

"What should we do now?" The Harry puppet asked the Ginny puppet while standing on the dead snake

"I don't know. Maybe we can give some of the basilisk poison to Malfoy and sacrifice him to the cause?" the Ginny puppet asked "But first…be mine Harry!"

"But Voldemort will only use you against me like he did my godfather. I can't loose you too! If I did, Dumbledore would be the LEAST of Tommy-boy's worries."

"But the love we have for each other can defeat him. Watch."

The puppets then kissed and the other Voldemort puppet went flying and the basilisk was opened by a light saber.

"DADDY!" Lea exclaimed as she ran into Vader's arms.

"Too…much…love." The Voldemort puppet managed to gasp before, "Gah!"

"The End." The two puppeteers said.

Some of the denser Death Eaters started clapping.

"11 more days." Voldemort said tensely.

0000

Thursday VERY early morning,

Voldemort groaned when he heard a knock on his door. He opened it to find it empty. He closed it and got back in bed before hearing another knock. He got up and opened it again to find it empty again. This went on for about an hour.

At around eight, he woke up for real and left his room dressed in Carebears pajamas and pink bunny slippers with a lightning bolt and glasses painted on his face.

"Nice outfit your lordship." Hermione said.

Voldemort looked down.

"WHAT THE HELL…?"

"You know…I think Grumpy bear best suites you." Hermione said. "Either that or Tender Heart. Growing up… Sunshine Bear and Braveheart Lion were my favorites."

"Oh sir…" Ron said pulling out his now crumbled letter. "I found this when exploring your lair. I think you might want to see this."

Voldemort took it and read it to himself. The prisoners could have sworn they heard a growl as he read about Wormtail's undying love for him.

Hermione took a sip of her chocolate milk from a straw before blowing bubbles into it.

"Hey Ron! I just discovered a new instrument!" she exclaimed before blowing bubbles to the tune of 'Hedwig's Theme'.

"That's nothing!" Ron said pulling out a comb and tissue. He blew THAT to the tune of 'Hedwig's theme'

"10 more days." Voldemort sighed "It'll all be worth it when Potter witnesses me torturing his friends and then killing them."

000

Friday morning,

Voldemort came down the stairs to find the two prisoners at breakfast.

"I see you replaced your new Carebear pajamas with pink ones." Ron observed.

Voldemort looked down and groaned at the pink pajamas with red hearts on them

"That reminds me of a song I learned in Girl Guides on a trip in America." Hermione said before singing,

_I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot_

_I wear my flannel nightie in the winter when it's not_

_And sometimes in the springtime, and sometimes in the fall_

_I jump between the sheets with no..._

She trailed off turning bright red as she realized what the rest of the song was and didn't want to give Ron ANY ideas

"You muggle girls have all the fun." Ron told her.

"One more week." Voldemort muttered before telling them. "My followers and I are going to get the dementors. There will be wards up so don't bother escaping."

"Escaping?" Hermione asked horrified. "We would never DREAM of doing that!"

Ron slapped Voldemort's arm. "Mosquito."

"Bye! Have fun! Reek havoc!" they yelled as the Death eaters left after reluctantly putting on the painted masks that wouldn't come off.

"I'm amazed Voldemort didn't see his new pink nail polish." Hermione said.

"What now?" Ron said.

"Well, I found some more paint." Hermione said.

An hour later, Voldemort's room was pastel pink with white hearts and red lighting bolts.

Two more hours later, the entire lair was decorated like the Gryffindor common room.

"Well, we'll be going out with a bang." Ron observed before yawning. "Now what?"


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: This chapter is what Harry was up to while Ron and Hermione were throwing Death Eaters puppet shows and baking them cookies and redecorating the lair.

**How to Annoy Voldemort Part II**

Harry Potter apporated on Privet Drive. Slowly, he lowered himself onto the front steps of Four Privet Drive and caught his breath

Flashback

"_HERMIONE!" Harry screamed as a few Death Eaters separated the two teenagers_

"_HARRY! RUN!" she shouted as she shot curses._

"_NOT WITHOUT YOU!" Harry yelled as he shot stunners at the ambushers. He had already lost Ron, he WASN'T loosing Hermione_

"_HARRY! GO NOW OR I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU __**NEVER**__ HAVE KIDS!" _

_He turned and saw that she was serious_

"_I'll rescue you. I promise" Harry said before blasting a hole through the crowd, ran through, and disapparated when he was far enough from any apparition wards_

End Flashback

He couldn't believe it. He failed them. He failed Ron who Harry knew had feelings for Hermione. He failed the girl who was as close to a sister as he was capable of getting… he failed Ginny…he failed the Grangers and the Weasleys… he failed Dumbledore

"NO!" Harry told himself as he stood back up with a determined glint in the eyes "I only fail them when the three of us are dead! And Ron's still out there"

He disapporated to Shell Cottage which was where Bill and Fleur were staying (he had learned this at their wedding)

When he got there, he knocked on the door in a pattern knock which he and Ron made up as a pattern knock was a Weasley Boy special thing and Harry was basically a Weasley in all but blood

"Who's there?" Bill's voice came harshly

"Who do you think? Who else knocks that way?" Harry called

Upon hearing the familiar voice, Bill opened the door

"Harry!" Bill exclaimed stunned. "Ron's not with you?"

"He's not here?" Harry asked as he entered the house "Shit"

"Don't let Mum hear you" Bill teased as he closed the door

"Is SHE here?"

"No" Bill said

"'Arry!" Fleur exclaimed as she ran up to Harry and kissed him once on each cheek. "You look horrible"

"Thanks" Harry said. "Just got away from an ambush. Hermione got captured. The only reason I left was because she threatened my manhood"

"Good thinking" Bill said knowing that when a girl did that, she was serious

"I need Ron's help to save her" Harry said. "I know he'll do anything except read Hogwarts, a History for her"

"You just missed him" Bill explained. "He felt so bad for abandoning you two, after resting up a bit, he went to go look for you"

"Any ideas?" Harry asked

"I'm sorry" Bill apologized.

Harry sighed. He hated to admit it, but he knew Hermione had been right last June: he couldn't do this by himself.

"Are you okay?" Fleur asked upon seeing the tears appear in the 17 year old's eyes

"I can't do this alone" Harry admitted. "There are still three more horcruxes"

"Horcruxes?" Bill asked, curiosity peaked "You-Know-Who has horcuxes?"

"Yeah" Harry admitted "The locket of Slytherin, the ring, myself, and the diary of Tom Riddle have already been dealt with. But there's still the cup of Hufflepuff, the diadem of Ravenclaw, and Nagini left before I can even THINK about killing Volmmmph"

"His name is taboo" Bill explained as he covered Harry's mouth. "Say HIS name, and we'll be up to our ears in Death Eaters"

Harry nodded to show he understood.

"Now," Bill said as he removed his hand. "the good news is that you're halfway done. I take it that this horcrux search is why you three are skipping school?" 

"Yeah" Harry said. "Hermione and Ron were insistent they come along"

"Smart" Bill said. "Because you can't do it alone. The Order will help in ANY way"

"Luckily," Harry told his potential future brother-in-law. "I KNOW where the others are. It's just…getting to them"

"Even better" Bill said. "Where are they?"

"The Cup is in Lestrage's Gringotts vault, the Diadem is at Hogwarts, and the snake is never without her master" Harry said

"Oh boy." Bill said biting his lip.

"Yeah" Harry agreed "Luckily for the Hogwarts issue, I have the map and the cloak so that gives me an advantage. But…it's the Gringotts issue"

"You know Fleur and I can help" Bill said "As we DO work for the bank"

"That's right!" Harry exclaimed wanting to whack himself for not thinking of that himself. "With your help, we can have this over in a week!"

KNOCK KNOCK

"Who is it?" Bill asked as Fleur led Harry into a closet to hide Britain's Number One Most Wanted

"It is I, Remus Lupin" Remus' voice came after Fleur used her body to block the closet

The two Weasleys relaxed. Fleur made to open the closet door, but Harry was holding it shut, still thinking of his last meeting with the werewolf

"Everything okay in here?" Remus asked as he was let into the house

"Yeah. Just a stubborn, yet safe, visitor" Bill said seeing how Harry was wanting to REMAIN in the closet "How's Dora?"

"Fine. Getting bigger. The baby kicked" Remus said with a laugh

"That's wonderful" Fleur said giving up on Harry

"Yeah. You should have seen Sirius 18 years ago. When Harry first kicked, Sirius yelled 'It's alive' in a Dr. Frankenstein accent." Remus informed them almost longingly

"You okay?" Bill asked sensing the depression in the werewolf's voice

"Just…I miss Harry." Remus admitted "The last time I saw him…we got into a fight. Now I don't know where he is or if he's okay…"

"What was the fight about?" Fleur asked

"I wanted to join him and he thought I should stick with Dora" Remus said.

"He's right" Bill informed the older man

"I know that now" Remus said. "I was just…I was scared. He probably thinks I hate him"

"I don't hate you"

Remus looked up and saw Harry coming out of the closet

"Harry?" Remus asked

Harry ran to the werewolf and hugged him.

"I'm so sorry" Harry apologized. "I was out of line"

"No. I was" Remus whispered returning the hug

When the apologies and the reunions were over,

"Where's Ron and Hermione?" Remus asked realizing that two faces were missing from Harry's sides

"Ron was being a prat and abandoned us" Harry explained. "And Hermione got herself captured. I started to help her, but she threatened to…make sure I'd never have any kids"

"Any idea where they are?" Remus asked worriedly

"Hermione's probably with…HIM." Harry said catching himself "As for Ron, according to Bill, he's had a breakthrough and is looking for us. I figured the best way to find them is to continue on with the task of Horcrux hunting. That way, if I run into HIM when I rescue Hermione, I can go on and kill him"

"Horcrux hunting?" Remus asked. "THAT'S the task Dumbledore left for you?"

Harry nodded.

"I have three left" Harry explained. "And I know where they are. It's just…getting to them that's going to be hard: Gringotts, Hogwarts, and Tom himself"

"That is hard" Remus agreed

"How about we have a good night's sleep," Fleur suggested "And we'll start planning first thing in the morning"

0000

Two days later,

Harry was under his cloak walking between Bill and Fleur. Fleur had given her husband and Harry a potion that would make them immune to her part of the plan as she had her vela side out FULL force.

When it's out full force, not even Goblins are immune

"Okay Harry." Bill whispered as he got the keys to the needed vaults. "You know what to do"

"Thanks Bill" Harry whispered back as he got into a cart and went down.

He stopped at a vault and opened it up. It wasn't Bellatrix's…it was the Potter family vault.

As soon as he stepped into it, he felt a jolt of what felt like electricity, but he knew it was magic. Remus had told him about the inheritance, but with Tom's rise, it was skipped over.

Once he was done with the vault and got all he needed, he went to the Lestrange Vault and used the key Bill swiped to open it. Using the dagger of Rowena Ravenclaw, he destroyed the cup

He snuck out of the vault cavern and tugged on Bill's robe as he pretended to work

"Done. Let's go"

0000

A few days later,

Harry was exhausted. He had spent the past few days gathering up Order members, explaining to the Weasleys about Ron's attitude, Hermione's capture, and his plan.

He had also been studying up on the Deathly Hallows story and learned a few interesting facts: Draco was the owner of the Elder wand having disarmed Dumbledore, Dumbledore had destroyed the ring which was in the snitch that he had given Harry, and Harry was the owner of the cloak.

Thanks to a little knowledge from Remus who got the news from Aberforth Dumbledore, Harry now knew that Tom was to be going to the Forbidden Forest to recruit some creatures. Little did Tom know, Harry had done that yesterday.

"Harry" Remus whispered at three in the morning. "It's time"

Harry nodded and climbed out of bed. He was going to need a LONG vacation after this

At Hogsmeade,

He, Remus, Bill, Fleur, Charlie, Fred, George, Molly, Arthur, Kingsley, Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Oliver Wood, Lee Jordan, Alicia Spinnet, Cho Chang, and Anthony Goldstein were all meeting in the Hogshead. Harry went over the plan with them instructing Katie to find the members of the D.A. and get them in the Room of Requirement and prepare for battle. Remus was to get the other teachers involved and Harry was going to Dumbledore's office to grab the Sword of Gryffindor. The other adults were going to look for the diadem

They broke and used the passage in Honeydukes to get to the school.

"You know the signal" Harry whispered before they went their separate ways

Harry spent the next ten minutes hiding under the invisibility cloak and ducking behind suits of armors as known death eaters walked the halls

One moment he saw Malfoy strutting around like he owned the place

"Stupify!" Harry whispered as he used Hermione's wand to stun his rival

Malfoy collapsed.

Harry ran over and locked his rival in a closet, but not before taking Malfoy's wand

"Thanks for the wand Malfoy" Harry whispered

He was now the Master of Death

When he got up to the office, he noticed that the pensieve was out as was the sword.

It was almost as if someone wanted him to look in the pensieve and take the sword

Harry checked the coast and looked in despite the number of times it got him in trouble

The Boy-Who-Lived-twice watched as his mother did magic for the first time and had magic explained to her by a boy her age with greasy black hair. He watched as the boy and his mother became good friends. He watched the initial meeting between his parents. He watched the sorting as his mother was sorted to Gryffindor and her friend went to Slytherin. He rewatched the scene when Snape called Lily a 'mudblood'. He watched Snape try to apologize, but Lily wasn't hearing it (Why should she be different from any other muggleborn?) He watched Snape coming to Dumbledore offering to switch so that Lily would be protected. He watched Dumbledore tell Snape of Lily's fate. He watched a meeting between Snape and Dumbledore as they talked about the first year Harry.

Then, as if THOSE weren't enough,

"_It's a miracle you managed to return here! The ring carried a curse of extraordinary power, to contain it is all we can hope for; I have trapped the curse in one hand for the time being" Snape said as he tended to Dumbledore's blackened hand_

"_You have done very well, Severus. How long do you think I have?"_

"_I cannot tell. Maybe a year. There is no halting such a spell forever. It will spread eventually, it is the sort of curse that strengthens over time" _

_Dumbledore smiled_

"_I am fortunate, extremely fortunate, that I have you, Severus" _

"_If you had summoned me earlier, I might have been able to do more. Buy you more time" Snape snapped. "Did you that that breaking the ring would break the curse?" _

"_Something like that…I was delirious no doubt…" Dumbledore admitted. "Well, really, this makes matters much more straight forward" _

_Snape looked confused_

"_I refer to the plan Lord Voldemort is revolving around me. . His plan to have the poor Malfoy boy murder me." _

_Snape sat down in the chair _

"_The Dark Lord does not expect Draco to succeed. This is merely punishment for Lucius' s recent failures. Slow torture for Draco's parents, while they watch him fail and pay the price" Snape explained_

"_In short, the boy has had a death sentence pronounced upon him as surely I have. Now, I should have thought the natural successor to the job, once Draco fails, it yourself?"_

_There was a short pause_

"_That, I think, is the Dark Lord's plan" Snape confirmed_

"_Lord Voldemort foresees a moment in the near future when he will not need a spy at Hogwarts?"_

"_He believes the school will soon be in his grasp, yes" _

"_And if it does fall into his grasp, I have your word that you will do all in your power to protect the students of Hogwarts?" _

_Snape nodded_

"_Good. Now then, your first priority will be to discover what Draco is up to. A frightened teenage boy is a danger to others as well as to himself. Offer him help and guidance, he ought to accept, he likes you…" _

"…_much less since his father has lost favor." Snape added. "Draco blames m, he thinks I have usurped Lucius's position" _

"_All the same, try. I am concerned less for myself than for accidental victims of whatever schemes might occur to the boy. Ultimately, of course, there is one thing to be done if we are to save him for Lord Voldemort's wrath" _

"_Are you intending to let him kill you?" _

"_Certainly not. _You_ must kill me"_

"_Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moment to compose an epitaph?"_

"_Oh, not quite yet. I daresay the moment will present itself in due course. Given what has happened tonight, we can be sure that it will happen within a year"_

"_If you don't mind dying, why not let Draco do it?"_

"_That boy's soul is not yet so damaged. I wouldn't not have it ripped apart on my account." _

"_And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?"_

"_You alone know whether it will harm your soul to help an old man avoid pain and humiliation. I ask this one great favor of you Severus, because death is coming for me as surely as the Chudley Cannons will finish bottom of this year's league. I confess I should prefer a quick, painless exit to the protracted and messy affair it will be if, for instance, Greyback is involved… I hear Voldemort has recruited him? Or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it" _

_Snape nodded_

"_Thank you Severus" _

Harry almost pulled out, but he watched some other scenes. He learned that it was Snape who had taken the missing part of Lily's letter he found at Grimmauld, he learned that Snape was still in love with Lily, and he also learned that Moody's death had only been an accident. Snape had been aiming for a fellow Death Eater

Harry pulled out of the pensieve and turned as he grabbed the sword. He froze

Snape was standing in the doorway looking positively menacing.

"Which side are you on?" Harry found himself asking

Snape peeked out the door and closed it. Harry gripped the sword ready to treat Snape like that basilisk all those years ago.

"Your mother's" Snape told the boy as he looked Harry right in the eyes "The Dark Lord is planning a battle for next week. He intends on killing your friends in front of you. He's using this time to rally more allies."

"I have your word on this?" Harry asked

"I swear on Lily's grave" Snape said

"It's almost over" Harry informed his ex-professor. "Two more horcruxes"

Snape stepped aside to let Harry out

"Good luck Potter" Snape said

Harry turned and curtly nodded

0000

A few minutes later, Harry was in the room of requirement with the Order, the D.A. and the still loyal to him teachers. After destroying the diadem which Cho had found, Harry informed them of Snape's loyalty. Fred and George vocally gagged.

"Imagine how I feel" Harry told them. "My MOTHER"

"No wonder he hated James" Remus mused

"We're ready when you are Potter" Oliver said

Harry pulled out the map and watched it.

"When we see HIS name, we act." Harry said

They didn't have to wait long. At about eight in the morning, Tom appeared on the map along with Death Eaters. The gang ran out of the room and onto the grounds. Curses flew as the Death Eaters, even thought they can cause an ambush, apparently had no idea how to HANDLE on done on them.

Harry froze as he noticed that one of their masks looked freakishly like him. Another one was pink and had flowers painted on it.

Figuring it was a joke on Remus' part that he played on the Death eaters while thinking of his two friends, Harry shrugged it off and started fighting

"SECTUMSEMPRA!" Harry shouted as he noticed Voldemort's pet.

Just then, a group of Dementors appeared

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" a group of witches and wizards shouted

They ran towards the dark creatures with the misty animals leading the way.

"This ends NOW!" Harry yelled at Voldemort when he saw him

Voldemort hesitated a bit before smirking.

"You're too late Potter." Voldemort said. "The Blood-traitor and the Mudblood are dead"

"LIAR!" Harry yelled knowing he was talking about Ron and Hermione. Truthfully, Harry had no clue where Ron was and he couldn't prove Voldemort was lying about Hermione.

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Expelliarmus!"

There was a flash of bright light and when it died, Voldemort was dead and his wand was in Harry's hand.

"Did I forget to mention that the Elder Wand is truly mine?" Harry asked Voldemort's body.

Then there was the sound of a cheer. He turned and saw that the Death Eaters had been captured and there was little to no casualties on his side

It was over. Now, all that was left was to find Ron and Hermione

The End

(Continues with How to Annoy Voldemort)


	3. Chapter 3

Warning: Harry's a BIT OOC

**How to Annoy Voldemort Part III**

Three hours later, the door to the lair opened with Snape leading the way and being followed by Arthur Weasley, Kingsley Shaklebolt, Remus Lupin, and Harry Potter.

"You're damned lucky I saw that memory of Dumbledore asking you to kill him." Harry told his professor as they walked in.

Everyone froze at the newly decorated lair.

"What the bloody hell happened here?" Kingsley asked.

"No clue." Snape said. He hadn't been in Headquarters since the kids were taken prisoner.

Harry walked into the kitchen and saw the cookies.

"Lightning bolt shaped cookies?" Harry asked "Something tells me Hermione was in here."

"Over here!" Remus called

"he spelt acromantula wrong." Arthur said.

"Not that!" Remus said pointing to the puppets.

Harry picked up the Harry and Ginny puppets and Remus picked up the Star Wars puppets.

"I think Hermione might have had a bit of fun. I wonder if she was the one who painted the masks." Remus mused as he thought of the death eaters he fought with the Harry mask and the pink one with blue words on the forehead and chin that spelled 'I'm pretty'

"If she did, she's probably dead by now." Snape said.

That caused Harry to make a break for the stairs. He started opening the doors to locate his friend. He stopped at Voldemort's room and felt a sense of dread as he viewed the pink room.

Remus caught up with the boy as he fell to his knees.

"Voldemort wouldn't have had the strength to hold back killing her for this." Harry whispered on the brink of tears. "I never should have let them take Hermione."

"Well…I found something that might interest you." Remus said handing Harry the love note.

However, as Harry recognized Ron's handwriting, that only made him burst into tears at the thought of the loss of his two best friends who had been with him through thick and thin. The friends he had killed Voldemort for in order to save them only to find that he were too late.

Flashback

_While the Death Eaters were working on getting some Dementors, a heard of patroni came charging out and repelled the dementors followed by D.A. and Order members led by Harry._

"_This ends NOW!" Harry yelled at Voldemort._

_Voldemort hesitated a bit before smirking._

"_You're too late Potter." Voldemort said. "The Blood-traitor and the Mudblood are dead"_

"_LIAR!" Harry yelled knowing he was talking about Ron and Hermione. Truthfully, Harry had no clue wear Ron was and he couldn't prove Voldemort was lying about Hermione._

"_Avada Kedavra!"_

"_Expelliarmus!" _

_There was a flash of bright light and when it died, Voldemort was dead and his wand was in Harry's hand._

"_Did I forget to mention that the Elder Wand is truly mine?" Harry asked Voldemort's body._

End Flashback

"Whoa!" Kingsley and Arthur exclaimed when they saw Voldemort's room. Arthur then saw the two sets of pajamas.

"Okay…weird" Arthur said as he lifted up the Carebear pajamas. "not what I'd except from You-Know-Who."

"I think this was Ron and Hermione's doing." Remus said as he held the distraught Harry.

Harry then pulled away and ran out of the room into the room that held his friends. He froze when he saw Ron and Hermione on the bed asleep.

"No." Harry whispered thinking they were something else. He then ran to the side of the bed and shook Ron. "RON! PLEASE! Wake up! HERMIONE!"

However, Ron didn't wake because he and Hermione worked hard painting the lair. And they got some red paint on them which didn't help Harry's nerves.

"I'm so sorry I was too late." Harry whispered to his friends a he knelt by the bed and cried. He was interrupted by a snore that came from Ron.

"Ron? Hermione?" Harry asked upon seeing his friends' chests go up and down.

Ron snored again and Harry got an indignant look on his face. He had spent the week worried SICK over his friends and had been truly convinced for thirty minutes that they were dead.

"Ron. There's a spider on your head." Harry told his friend.

"AGGHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Ron screamed as he messed up his hair thus waking up Hermione.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"There's a spider on my head." Ron said.

Harry then whacked his friend upside the head.

"There. Got it." Harry told his friend even though the bop was more for making him think they were dead though he was smiling through his tears

The two prisoners turned.

"HARRY!" they exclaimed.

"I'm so glad you're alive!" Harry said as he pulled his two best friends into a group hug. "I KNEW deep down that Voldemort was lying when he said you were dead, but when I saw what you did…"

"You saw Voldie-poo?" Ron asked.

"Yeah. I…Voldie-poo?" Harry started before catching what Ron said.

"Hermione's idea." Ron said.

"Wait a minute." Harry realized something. "What are YOU doing here, Ron?"

"I got captured while looking for you two to apologize." Ron explained. "You know… we should PROBABLY leave before Tommy-boy gets back."

"He won't." Harry said. "When he told me that you two were dead, I lost my temper and killed him." 

"But the cup…." Hermione argued.

"After you were captured and threatened to remove…hehem." Harry explained. "I went to go get help. I went into my family vault and unlocked some powers. While at Gringotts, I destroyed the cup. Then I went to Hogwarts and dug through Dumbledore's stuff where I found a memory of him ASKING Snape to kill him because a horcrux had poisoned him. I got from Snape the truth of his loyalty and found out that Voldemort had plans to have the final battle next week and was using the time between to get some more allies. So, I had the D.A. and a chunk of the Order ambush him. I told him that this ends now and then he told me that he had killed you two. I decided to avenge first and then let the shock in. Turned out, he had the Elder Wand when it really belongs to me because Malfoy disarmed Dumbledore and I…well…lets' just say I was using Malfoy's wand as a replacement."

"Hey! You got your Holly wand fixed!" Hermione noticed.

"Yeah. The Elder wand fixed it."

"So…it's not just a legend?" Ron asked.

"No. In fact, my cloak is the cloak from the story." Harry said. "but truthfully, all I could think about was you two. Wondering where Ron was and what had become of you and then if Hermione was still alive."

"We're fine" Hermione said. "Voldemort gave orders to not harm us until you were within range of sight."

"And I saw that you used it to your advantage." Harry mused. "I thought Remus had been channeling the spirits of Dad and Sirius when I saw the masks."

"Nope. That was us." Ron said proudly. "Did you see the one that looked like you?"

"I can't believe you did that." Harry said. "And what's with the puppets out there?"

"If you'd like, we can put the show on for you and the Order." Hermione offered.

"Some of the dumber death eaters actually enjoyed it." Ron said with a smile and a laugh.

"C'mon. Let's get out of this dump." Harry said walking in between his two best friends with his arms around their shoulders.

The reunited trio walked out of the room.

"RON! HERMIONE!"

"Dad?" Ron asked.

"Ron?" Arthur asked seeing the red stains on his son's cloak. "What happened?"

"Huh?" Ron asked before looking down at his tainted cloak. "Oh! Some of the paint got on."

Arthur hugged his youngest son.

"We were so worried." Arthur said. "When your mother realized that it was the ghoul in your room… and then Harry coming by telling us that Hermione was captured after you guys got into an argument…"

"I almost forgot about that." Harry admitted.

"It's all in the past." Hermione said. "Besides, it was just a misunderstanding."

"Let's get Remus and Kingsley and go home." Arthur said.

"That sounds good." Ron said.

0000

A few hours later,

"The End." Ron and Hermione said after re-performing the puppet show.

"And they didn't KILL you for that?" Harry asked his friends as Ginny and the other Weasley boys were rolling on the floor laughing. Arthur, Tonks, and Remus were also laughing, but not as hard as the younger Weasleys. Molly seemed as horrified as Harry.

"No." Ron said. "Some even gave us an applause. Though Voldie-poo DID count down the days to when he planned to kill us."

"Guys…I never thought I'd say this, but I think you two have been around Sirius too much." Harry told them.

"Make that Sirius AND Harry's father who is inside of Harry" Remus added.

"What makes you say that?" Hermione asked innocently as a timer went off.

A few seconds later, she came out with a fresh batch of her Lightning cookies.

"Call it a hunch." Remus said eyeing the cookies

"I'm… Harry said a little hesitantly as he was offered a cookie. "I'm not hungry. I had a hard week and I'm going to bed."

He left the group.

"I'll talk to him." Ginny said.

Upstairs,

Ginny found her ex-boyfriend sitting on his bed looking upset.

"Feeling a bit jealous and left out?" she asked.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked her.

"Ron and Hermione had fun while you worked your arse off trying to save them." She said.

"I guess that's a bit of what's wrong." Harry admitted. "But what's really wrong is they knew they were pushing Voldemort's buttons. It's like… they knew they would be killed and decided to go out with a bang."

"What's wrong with that?"

"It's like they had no faith in me being able to save them!" Harry told her.

"Harry." Ginny said sitting down next to him. "Maybe they knew you were going to save them, so they decided to make Voldemort wish that he never took them. But Harry. You can't be expected to go rescue EVERYONE. You're only human. And if ANYBODY knows that, it's Ron and Hermione. Besides, you can't expect that you're the ONLY one who can taunt Tom."

"I guess you're right." Harry said with a sigh.

"I'm a redheaded woman. I AM right." She said. "So… now that Voldemort's gone… wanna pick back up?"

"What do you mean?" Harry asked hoping she meant what he thought she meant.

"To quote my character played by my brother… 'be mine, Harry'"

The two kissed as Ron and Hermione peeked in to check up on their friend. They closed the door and smiled

All was well.

The End.


End file.
